Firestar's Life Story
by Goldenears
Summary: My very first real time story. Detailed look at Firestar's life after Firestar's Quest. I just realized how poorly the title fits this story. Sorry if I fooled you.
1. Chapter 1

"Hey, Firestar, it's your friend, Graystripe."

"Since when were you my friend Graystripe?"

"We've been friends ever since you came to the forest!"

"Are you sure?" Firestar sounded bemused. Of course he remembered. How could he forget. Ah, the good old days.

Even then he could easily beat Graystipe in a fight.

"Sandstorm, Firestar doesn't remember our vow to be friends forever. What am I going to do?" Graystripe called to Sandstorm,Firestar's sex slave.

"He can't remember that?" Firestar didn't even remember Sandstorm being there when he and Graystripe had made theirpledge to be friends forever. So he was surprised when he heard the shock in her voice.

"I didn't realize that you were there when we made our pledge of friendship." He asked,

"Of course I was there. We were mating all the while." Sandstorm sounded very annoyed. Uh oh.

"Um, oh yeah. Now I remember."

"Am I a nobody to you Firestar? Am I a sex toy to you, just like Fernpaw is to Dustpelt?" Sandstorm sounded bitter, as if she knew that he was getting ready to lie.

"Of course not Sandstorm, you're my mate. You mean everything to me. That reminds me, I really should do something about the way Fernpaw is being raped by Dustpelt. It might get serious. Then I'll have to deal with a bunch of crap."

Sandstorm still looked bitter. Oh well, can't please everybody.

"Actually, you can't please anybody Firestar." That surprised him. Graystripe was always polite and submissive when it cameto Firestar. Usually, if Firestar pleased him in bed, then he was pretty much his slave. Oh, yeah, and by the way, Graystripe can read minds.

"No Firestar, I'm very content with your sexual performance. It's just, I want to settle down and do something with my life. I'm not going to be a bachler forever like you." Graystripe meowed.

"Hey, he's married to me. So he is not a bachler. Take that back." Sandstorm was sharp. As usual. Things had been going

well between him and Sandstorm since they got back from saving Skyclan, where they had merrital issues and saw a specialist,Spottedleaf. She had made them talk about they're diffences. Until she realized that they would just keep on arguing with each

other until a fight broke out. They broke one of Spottedleaf's vases, and she snapped. She nearly killed Sandstorm. And when she was lying there, out cold, on her way to the emergency room, Firestar saw how much he would miss her body, her private parts, her mouth, and their merrital troubles ended. This had been Sandstorm's first outburst in months.

"Uh, Sandstorm, Firestar just thought in his head that this was your first outburst in months."

Graystripe told Sandstorm.

"Outburst, Firestar? Outburst? I'll give you an outburst! Do you think that I'll just let you.." She blathered on for a bit. Firestar stopped listening after he realized that she wasn't saying anything interesting.

"Firestar, are you even listening to me? Firestar? Hello!" Sandstorm suddenly looked concerned.

"I'm fine Sandstorm, I was just pretending to go into outer space for a second. It was fun." Somehow, Sandstorm's fur was turning red. It was sort of funny.

"You know, I think we might need to speak to Spottedleaf again."

So, they went to Spottedleaf, as she had solved their marital issues before.

"Hello, Firestar, Sandstorm. It's nice to see you again. Just wait a second."

They could hear Spottedleaf yelling at someone. In a few minutes, a tom-cat, wrapped in a sheet, came running out of the den full-steam ahead.

"Okay, now that he's out of here, why don't you come in." Spottedleaf lead them into the office that she somehow managed to fit into her den.

"Now, to what do I owe this unexpected honour." Spottedleaf asked

"Well," Sandstorm began",we're having marital issues again. You helped us well enough last time and we were hoping you could help us again." Spottedleaf frowned.

"Last time was sort of an accident and you," she turned to look at Sandstorm, "almost died. Are you sure you want me to do it again?" Firestar and Sandstorm both nodded solemnly.

"Fine," said Spottedleaf, "but I'm going to need you two to start arguing profusely." So they did.

"Firestar, all I want is for you to listen to me and not treat me like something you bought at a super-market!"

"But I did buy you at a Super-Market!" Firestar retorted.

"Yes, but that's beside the point. I want to be recognized as someone you love. Not someone who's body you love."

"But I really do love your body, Sandstorm," Firestar purred.

"Uh. I can't stand it when you're like this. It just... gah. It just pisses me off you son of a bi-" She was cut off as Spottedleaf hurled a vase at Sandstorm. Sandstorm fell, and Firestar ran up.

"Sandstorm, is you're body alright?"

"No, I think my leg is broken." Sandstorm gasped. She was lying in a puddle of her own blood, nearly drowning.

"Oh. I don't care about that part of your body." Firestar said, relieved.

"You bastard. I'm dying and all you can think of is..." Spottedleaf stopped listening to her. She was unsure of what to do. It wasn't working. She decided to try harder. She picked up a rock and hit Sandstorm over the head with it. Sandstorm kept on arguing. Spottedleaf hit her again. Still no change. Spottedleaf hit her a third time.

"- and I really hate it... when... you... do... uh." Sandstorm passed out. Blood was trickling from her mouth and building up by her head.

"Did you kill her?" Firestar asked curiously.

"I don't think so." Spottedleaf decided that it would be bad if Sandstorm died.

"Call the veterinarian. Tell him that we have a badly wounded female cat who probably has HIV by now." Spottedleaf said brusquely.

Firestar and Spottedleaf were waiting in the veterinarian's waiting room. Firestar was pacing back and forth, back and forth, which looks kind of funny when a cat does it. He was recalling all the good nights he and Sandstorm had had. He remembered all her petty complaints and dumb anxieties, like when she was worried whether their kits would be born properly, or whether Thunderclan was doomed to destruction or other stupid things. Yet, whenever he looked at her, all he felt was pure lust. It's sort of like pure love, only for adults. He didn't know whether she would live or die. The vet said it was a matter of time before they could know for sure. He looked over at Spottedleaf. For someone who didn't have thumbs, Spottedleaf was doing a good job of twiddling them.

On that note, I will end this Chapter here. This could well be the longest thing I have ever wrote, also, I've never written in this format before. So, please, if you took the time to read this, please take the time to review and tell me I'm good\bad at it. Please.


	2. Chapter 2

Firestar was just about to scream from tension when the vet came out.

"It seems that your cat is suffering from a skull fracture and a very advanced concussion. She'll be fine a few weeks."

"Oh thank god." Said Firestar "I was seriously worried for a second. I thought I would have to go back to the super-market." The vet looked at him strangely. He was thinking _there's something extremely odd about this cat. Aside from the fact that he's talking._ But he didn't have time to consider what that might be.

"So, vet, when will Sandstorm be able to speak to me." Firestar was eager to get back to her body.

"Well, she seems like a tough at, so I'll say she'll be healed in about two weeks. But she should be conscious in a few hours. Come back tomorrow." So Firestar went back to the camp and called a hooker. He returned to the hospital the next day.

"Is she conscious?" he asked Spottedleaf, who had stayed overnight to watch check on her.

"Yup. She's been awake for a while." Spottedleaf sounded distracted. Firestar didn't care. He went into the room she was in.

"Sandstorm? Are you awake?" Firestar was scared. He hoped that she was okay.

"Firestar..." Sandstorm said in a weak voice, "are you there?"

"I'm here, Sandstorm. Don't worry. You're going to be okay."

" I'm glad. The vet says I'll be out of here in a few weeks. I feel like crap." She was trying very hard not show how scared she was.

"I think Spottedleaf went too far." Firestar told her in a shaky voice.

"I think she solved our problems again though. We're not fighting." Firestar realized she was right.

"You're right." He verified.

"She's a good friend isn't she?" Asked Sandstorm.

"Yeah. I'm still pissed she's dead though. I really was looking forward to when we could..." Firestar saw the look on his mate's face and decided better of finishing his sentence.

"So, how are you feeling?" Firestar asked, trying to change the subject.

"Funny." Replied Sandstorm. "My head's still swimming. I think I should try to get some sleep."

"Good idea." Said Firestar, backing out of the room. "Have the nurse call me when you're awake."

Firestar went back to camp feeling much better than the night before. He decided he needed someone to make him feel less stupid, so he went to Graystripe.

"How's it going, _friend_?" Firestar stretched out the word, almost feeling sorry for Graystripe. Now, there's a funny (and at the moment, convenient) fact about cats. They have fur. Therefor, it is impossible for a cat to blush. Yet somehow, at the moment, Graystripe was doing a good job of it.

"I really am sorry, Firestar. I didn't mean to get Sandstorm mad at you. It's just that, you do it so well by yourself, I didn't think it would make a difference and..." Graystripe trailed off when he noticed that Firestar was staring out into space.

"Yo, Firestar. You're doing it again. Hello? Firestar? HEY, FIRESTAR, LOOK OVER HERE. YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO'S YELLING AT YOU KINDA WANTS TO TALK TO YOU! HELLO!" Suddenly Firestar snapped back to reality.

"Sorry, I should stop doing that." Firestar said, ashamed. "It's just that, well, sometimes, I think that maybe, when I look to the stars, somebody's looking back. Silly, I know but I can't help the feeling..."

"Uh, Firestar," Graystripe said. "Remember that talk we had yesterday, about Starclan? Well, guess where they watch us from?" Firestar didn't know the answer. Graystripe looked exasperated.

"They watch us fromt the _stars. _You know, _Star_clan." Firestar looked alarmed.

"You mean, when a cat dies, they turn into an alien? Dear god! We need to stop the aliens from invading. We need to-"

"Settle down," Graystripe cut him off. "They aren't aliens. They live just at the farthest reaches of our atmosphere. They're still from and belong to earth. Now how is Sandstorm?" Graystripe changed the subject before Firestar tried to start playing music from "Close Encounters".

"She's fine. I have a feeling that the author's going to end the chapter right here."

Wow, Firestar sure is smart. I _am _going to end the chapter here. That's so weird.

Please, if you like this (or dislike it) please review telling what you like\dislike about the story. Until next time...


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Do I look like Erin Hunter to you? Well, I guess you can't really see me over the internet. Let's just say that I''m not Erin Hunter.

The veterinarians decreed that Sandstorm was fit to come home several days before scheduled. They

even gave her a balloon. Firestar liked the balloon. He spent half and hour playing with it. What, he's a cat. Cat's chase balloons, it's just the way things are. He and Sandstorm took a long walk along the bank of the river. Unfortunately, they were in Riverclan territory when Leopardstar came by with three other warriors.

"Firestar! What are you doing on our territory. Are you invading?" Leopardstar asked in surprise.

"Of course we're not invading, there's only two of us! Sheesh." Firestar retorted haughtily. He was staring at Leopardstar intently.

"Firestar, what are you doing?" Leopardstar asked. Sandstorm didn't like how Firestar stared at every she-cat in the clans. It was getting to her.

"_Calm down, Sandstorm,"_ she thought to herself _"You spent two weeks in the hospital because of his flaws. Don't create more problems than we need to have." _

"I think you should get off our territory, Firestar." Leopardstar advised. "I like you and everything, but you're from another clan and I would lose all the respect of my slaves- I mean clan-mates, yeah clan-mates, if I let you stay."

"Fine, we'll get out then. Gee." Firestar sounded irritated. But that's because he was. He and Sandstorm turned and walked back to the border. As soon as Leopardstar and her patrol left, Firestar turned to Sandstorm and said,

"Wanna go back to the river?"

Sandstorm looked at him funny, and Firestar realized that maybe she actually cared about the warrior secret code of conduct, which firmly stated that no cat should enter another clans territory without prior permission.

"But we _do_ have prior permission. From me. The Warrior secret code of conduct doesn't specify _who's_ permission we need. Whoever made these rules wasn't thinking straight." He said. Sandstorm looked at him funny, again.

"Wow, you did something smart. That's weird. Have you ever thought of not being dumb?" Sandstorm asked him quizzically.

"Well, the thought has crossed my mind, but it would be a lot harder for the author to make this story funny if I wasn't dumb."

Well, he's right. He really is the only source of amusement in this insult to an ingenious series. I wonder what Erin Hunter would think if she read this. Well, one of them anyways. I wonder if she'd be impressed. Probably not. She's probably email me and ask that I stop writing. I guess I'd need to stop writing then. Shame. It's one of my few passtimes. Damn, this is pretty darn short. Well, to make it up to anyone who happens to actually be reading this series, I will get to work on the next chapter immediately.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't even own the entire series yet, let alone the entire franchise.

Very little was happening in Thunderclan. Firestar and Sandstorm were getting along again, Graystripe was pissing everybody else off by replying to questions people hadn't even asked yet and Tigerstar had yet to start haunting people, until Firestar realized that he had had an apprentice not so long ago. Then one day he had just disappeared. Since he was bored, Firestar thought it might be interesting to find his old apprentice and, um, do something about it. Since Firestar isn't a complete idiot (not quite, anyways) he started with the elders. Remember, if you are a clan leader and your apprentice goes missing and after three seasons you get bored and decide to go look for say apprentice, always start with the elders.

"So, um, One-Eye, you're still alive, right?" Firestar called into the elders' den.

"No, I died a a bit ago. You really ought to look things like this up, dumbass." Said a voice from inside.

"Well, what elders are alive at the moment?" Firestar asked, innocently.

"Well, there's me, Speckledtail." Speckledtail said.

"Yeah, um, have you seen my apprentice around here lately." Firestar asked.

"Define 'lately'." Speckledtail said.

"Like, in the last moon or so." Firestar replied.

"Well, there was that one whiny, white one." Speckletail said distractedly.

"What, Cloudtail? He's a warrior now. I mean the ugly one." Firestar was getting impatient.

"Oh, that one," Speckledtail said. "He came by last night to give me some new bedding. You know, if you're looking for an apprentice, then you should probably look in the _apprentices' _den. Seriously, sometimes I think Bluestar made the wrong choice of deputy." Firestar glared at her and left.

Over at the apprentices' den, Firestar's ugly ex-apprentice was sitting around in a puddle, playing with his tail and whistling (can cat's wistle?) a twoleg tune.

"Hey you, ugly, where have you been for the past year?" Firestar called to Bramblepaw.

"Let's see, I've pretty much been sitting in a puddle for the past year, waiting for my idiot of a mentor to come and give me something to do." Bramblepaw said, not sounding the least bit angry.

"But Speckledtail said that you gave her new bedding yesterday. If you've been sitting there for a year, how could you have done that?" Firestar asked.

"I have telekinesis." Replied Bramblepaw, smiling and happy. Firestar didn't know what telekinesis was and he decided not to ask.

"Come on... uh... what's your name again?" Firestar asked.

"Bramblepaw, dumbbutt." Bramblepaw said, smiling happily. Firestar blinked.

"Well, okay then, Bramblepaw, even though I officially named you Brambleclaw in Firestar's Quest, I have need of your apprenticeness." Firestar said sincerely.

"For what, exactly?" Bramblepaw asked.

"To... uh... um... I... duh... stuff. Yeah, stuff." Firestar finally managed.

"Okay," said Bramblepaw. "Where would you like me to start? With the uh or the duh?" Firestar didn't understand the question and Brambleclaw realized that Firestar had absolutely no sense of humour whatsoever and that it was pointless to try to joke around with him.

"Okay, whatever, let's just go." Bramblepaw got out of his puddle for the first time in several seasons and realized that he'd had no reason to sit in a puddle for all of that time and that it really wasn't worth it. He also realized that he was wet. The two made their way to the training... place, (I have no idea what it's called) to do some, uh, training. Sadly, Firestar couldn't really focus on the so-called training he was supposed to be giving his apprentice (can cat's have ADD?). Now, you need to understand, Firestar could fight, he really could, but he rarely concentrated enough to realize he was in the middle of a fight. Not that he didn't cause lots of fights, he didn't really follow the rules and he started almost as many wars as Tigerstar by wandering over borders and accidentally insulting other leaders and the like. Actually, there were quite a few cats in Thunderclan who would have preferred that Tigerstar killed Bluestar and took over the clan than to have a looney as their clan leader. But anyways, back to the so-called plot. The training was over in minutes when Firestar realized how much he wanted milk. So he went to his sister, Priestess, or something like that. She had given him milk before, no, not that way, I mean she... got milk from her housefolk, I mean, like, _dairy_ milk, not like- well, you get what I mean, right? Or like goat milk or soy milk or... whatever milk you like. Anyways, she wasn't there just then, which was disturbing to Firestar. She usually magically appeared outside whenever he came by, either that or she spent her entire life sitting in her backyard, which I guess is possible, but anyways, Firestar walked up to her and licked her on the head.

"So, Priestess, got any milk for me?" Firestar asked in a ridiculous accent.

"No." Said his sister.

I guess you can tell that I got lazy on this one and called it a day. Review.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors, my cat does though, and he's a ruthless owner.

Firestar had important things to do, and he didn't have time to train his ugly apprentice, Brambleclaw, who's name magically changed since the last chapter. Anyways, Firestar told his apprentice to go back to his puddle, and his apprentice did so without complaining at all. Actually, he was grinning like he was seeing PO-TA-TOS. Firestar went and chased his tail a little, then he napped in the sun for a few hours, then he chased his tail a bit more. Then he took another nap... in Shadowclan territory. Before he left camp though, he left Toadkit in charge of the camp, so he isn't totally irresponsible... wait, _kit_? Oh... well, uh. Yeah. So concludes Firestar's list of important things to do. So he went to find his ugly apprentice and he ate his cookies and PO-TA-TOS. His apprentice (ugly) was sitting in a puddle, grinning like he was seeing an underground food with brown skin and a soft core. I can't think the name, what is it again? Oh yeah, PO-TA-TOS. Wow, I should stop doing that shouldn't I? Okay, anyways.

"Hey, ugly!" Firestar shouted at, well, if you haven't figured it out by now... Brambleclaw snapped his gaze to Firestar.

"Oh, hi Firestar. This puddle makes my butt wet. Don't you think?"

"Well, honestly, I've never found the inclination to sit in a puddle. But I'd bet that yes, it would make your butt wet. Why do you sit in that puddle anyways? You could sit on the ground right next to it, where it's nice and dry. So why don't you?

"This puddle is my best friend. It was kind to me when nobody else was. Not even you. Firestar? Firestar? HEY FIRESTAR LOOK OVER HERE! THE GUY WHO'S SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE KIND OF WANTS TO TALK TO YOU" Firestar snapped his gaze to his apprentice.

"Oh, sorry. It's just that... well, sometimes, when I look to the sky, I like to think that somebody's looking down on me. It's embarrassing, I know, but I can't help the feeling..."

"You know what," Firestar's Ugly Apprentice (A.K.A. FUA) said. "I'm not even going to bother." FUA walked away, shaking his rear to get the water off. Mostly off, anyways.

Firestar decided that he should pay Blackstar a visit. So he went to Shadowclan. Yeah. Smart huh? Anyhow, when Firestar got to the border, Blackstar was already there.

"Hello!" Firestar said with a slight bit of burning hate. But mostly friendly interest. "How are you today?"

"I'm okay Firestar. I enjoy your hourly visits. I'm actually amazed that you can come here every our to visit me. That's very impresive. I mean, I wouldn't be able to keep this up. I have way too much to do.

"Well," Firestar said. "I actually have a lot of stuff to do, but I don't feel like doing it. I just delegate it to my deputy. Now that I think about it, who is my deputy? I forgot. Let's go find out!"

Find out who Firestar's deputy is in the next chapter of Firestar's Life Story.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: It's nice to now that somebody else is making the warrior books, because if I wrote them (which I don't) then they'd be complete crap and nobody would read them. Not even me!

I got an actual review today, and that made me feel pretty special. Well, maybe not special, but sort of like I might actually know how to write. By the way, sorry about all those PO-TA-TOES that I wrote yesterday, I really planned on deleting most of them.

* * *

Okay, so a quick recap since yesterday. Firestar has been going on hourly visits to see Blackstar, which I doubt anybody found surprising, and we also learned that Firestar was delegating all his duties to his deputy. Only, he doesn't know who his deputy is, so, of course, he goes to find out who his deputy is, because he needs to know who's doing his duties. Also, I need something to write about. Firestar made his way to, you guessed it, the elder's den.

"Hey, Speckledtail, you haved died in the last twenty-four hours have you?" Firestar called into the elder's den.

"Actually, I did die. Why don't you ask... hang on I need to go get my warrior book..." Firestar waits patiently by the entrance. "Ah, here. There's Goldenflower. How about her?" Firestar considered it for a second.

"No, I want somebody who can tell me about our deputy." Firestar said.

"Well, she probably knows." Said the voice.

"Not Goldenflower, somebody else!" Firestar screamed.

"Okay, fine. How about Dappletail?"

"Sure," Firestar replied. "I never liked her." Firestar entered the elder's den, making sure not to step on Speckledtail's corpse that nobody bothered to get rid of.

"So, Dappletail," Firestar said once he saw her. "Do you, by chance, know who our deputy is?"

"Firestar, if you want to know who our deputy is, which I do, and you should too by the way, since you chose him/her, then you should probably go to the _warrior's den_!" So Firestar went to the warriors den.

"Hey, is the deputy in there somewhere?" Firestar called.

"Firestar? Is it really you?" Graystripe called as he came out of the den. "I didn't think that I'd ever be in this parody again, since I haven't even been mentioned since chapter two!" Firestar stared at him.

"I asked for the deputy, Graystripe." Firestar said.

"But, I _am_ the deputy, Firestar!" Graystripe said.

"Yeah. I'm not stupid Graystripe. I think I would know if my best friend was the deputy." said Firestar

"Well, you should know considering that you're the one who's supposed to pick the deputy. I just realized something." Graystripe exclaimed.

"What?" Asked Firestar.

"You picked me during the fight with Bloodclan, right?" Graystripe said.

"Yeah, so?" Firestar replied.

"Isn't it kind of dumb to announce to a huge mass of enemies who the leader and newly selected second in command of the group that they're fighting, therefor letting them know who to kill to make the biggest difference?" Firestar stared at him.

"Oh, yeah. I did name you deputy. I don't what I was smoking to choose you as a deputy."

"Um, Firestar, we're cats. We can't smoke." Graystripe said.

"Yeah, well, I must have been high on something to do something so damn stupid. I mean that must have been the stupidest thing I have ever done."

"Um, Firestar," Graystripe interrupted. "you're sort of hurting my feelings. I'm not that bad of a deputy, am I?" Firestar looked around frantically.

"Um, uh, no, you're not a _horrible_ deputy. Would you like to go for a romantic stroll. What the hell, I would never say something so dumb. I can't believe the script in this thing. Where's the writer anyways?" Firestar stormed off in the direction of where the author is writing. Damn it.

"What are you _doing_?!? The script is absolute bull! I can't believe you would write something that bad!"

"Calm down, Firestar," Goldenears said. "and besides, haven't you read Voldemort and Friends? It got much more negative reviews that this one."

"Yes, well, could you _try_ to write something that makes more sense, please?" Firestar whined.

"Yeah, sure, I could try. Now go back and do something funny." Firestar sighed and trotted back over to where Graystripe was.

"Hi, sorry about that. I had to talk to the author about something." Firestar said to Graystripe.

"Anyhow, how about that romantic stroll you talked about? I'm free." Firestar stared at him. Graystripe smiled.

"you're kidding, right?" Firestar asked, sounding scared.

"No. Firestar, I've never told you this before but, I love you. I can't keep on denying it." Graystripe said in a smooth voice.

"Hang on a second, I need to go and finish up what I was doing." Firestar stormed back to where the author was writing. Damn. Again.

"Hey, if you can't write something well, then don't write at all!" Firestar yelled to Goldenears.

"Well, you know, if I only wrote when I had something good to write, then anyone who actually reads this would die if they held their breath on it. That was a joke, by the way." Firestar was shaking his head by the time Goldenears was finished.

"Really? You're so desperate for viewers that you can't spare one paragraph to not make dumb jokes that don't make any sense? No wonder nobody reads your stuff anymore." Firestar said anxiously.

"You know what, Firestar? Shut the hell up and go be funny." Goldenears snapped.

"Fine, whatever." Firestar stalked back to the warriors den where Graystripe was still standing.

"Okay, now where were we again?" Firestar asked.

"I wasn't saying how much I love you." Graystripe reminded him.

"Oh, yeah. You know what, I think that since this chapter isn't getting any funnier, the author should probably just end it before it becomes any _more_ painful.

Firestar`s right. I`ve lost all motivation and all my jokes are going towards keeping my head above water at school, popularity wise. Spring break is coming up though, so I`ll have more time on my hands to write. I realize that this chapter is seriously late, and I'll make sure to have the next one up sooner.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I have actually been talking to Erin Hunter about buying the series. But for the moment, I don't own anything.

My sister has been bugging me to do Dustpelt for months. So, here it is.

* * *

Firestar had called a clan meeting by the High Rock.

"May all that can hunt their own prey shut the hell up and get over here." Thunderclan had gotten used to such summonings. Yeah.

"I have an announcement. Shadowclan has been lingering on our territory lately so-"

"We're going to attack them?" Dustpelt cut in.

"Yes, we are." Firestar said. "Now, I know that we're supposed to be the clan that doesn't even care what other clans do to us. But I've had enough of that. We're going to go in and-"

"Decimate them?" Dustpelt cut in. Again.

"Yeah, sure." Firestar said. "Now, I know some of you don't even think that Shadowclan has been on our territory, but, shut up. Now, let's go. Graystripe, since I don't know where, or who, my deputy is, you'll be in charge of the battle strategy. In the mean time, I'm going to-"

"Sleep?" Said Dustpelt.

"God, yes, shut up!" Firestar screamed at him. "Okay, to your stations."

The next day, Firestar got up early. Noon. Yeah. He stood on the High Rock, surveying the preparations. Everybody was gone. No big surprise, since it was a dawn raid.

_Oh well. At least I haven't missed anything important. Except the preparations for the war I-_

"Started?" Dustpelt said out of no where.

"Ah!" Firestar gasped. "Dustpelt, did you just respond to my thoughts? Are you physic?"

"No, I asked Graystripe what you were thinking and them rudely shouted out the end of your sentence."

"Uh, why?" Firestar asked.

"Because I enjoy asking Graystripe what you're thinking then rudely shouting out the end of your sentence."

"You're an extremely damaged cat, Dustpelt." Said Firestar

"You're one to talk. You're on of the most damaged cats I've ever met, and I knew Michael Jackson."

"How did you... when did... you know I don't really care." Firestar walked away.

The next day, Firestar was on a hunting patrol with Bramblewhatshisface and Mousefur when they all noticed a strange smell.

"Do you smell that?" Mousefur asked.

"Yeah. What do you think it is?" Firestar replied.

"It smells like... febreeze." Brambleclaw said.

"What's febreeze?" Mousefur asked.

"It's toxic." Brambleclaw replied.

"Shut up, I smell-" Firestar started.

"**SQUIRELL!" **Dustpelt screamed.

"Ah, holy crap!" Firestar jumped. "GOD DUSTPELT, WILL YOU SHUT UP!" Firestar yelled.

"NO!" Dustpelt yelled back.

"God fine." Firestar murmured to himself.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors. Actually, who does own Warriors? There are three Erin Hunters who write the books, so who actually owns the series?

Firestar was recovering from a very strenuous hunting session in which he didn't manage to catch anything. Mostly because he was walking backwards the entire time. He decided to go to his den to get some rest. When he stepped through the lichen overhanging the den, he saw someone in his den. He immediately leaped into the den a screeched as loud as he could.

"Oh, hi Firestar." Said Frostfur.

"What are you doing in my den?" Firestar demanded.

"I was just tidying up your den. You really shouldn't leave your dead mice lying around everywhere." She said this while kicking a mouse with only one bite in it into the trash bin that she had created using bark and the ribcage of a badger.

"Hey, I was saving that!" Firestar screamed.

"How long have you been saving it for, exactly?" She asked, while dusting Firestar's pelt with disinfectant.

"Just for- would you stop that!" He said as Frostfur took a cat sized broom and started sweeping up the den.

"Just give me a moment." Frostfur said chidingly.

"No, leave _now_!" Firestar said firmly. She turned to him and shook her said sadly and left.

"Finally, I can get some rest." He settled down on the ground and stretched a bit, like cats do, and fell deeply asleep.

The next day, Firestar was waken up by the sound of someone humming. He lifted his head up, yawned, and opened his eyes. Frostfur was standing, with her back to Firestar's nest, cleaning... wow, what is there in a cave that there is to clean. The walls, that's what she was cleaning.

"What are you doing in here!" Firestar asked.

"Oh, I'm just tidying up." Said Frosfur.

"Could you, I don't know, tidy up somewhere else maybe?" Firestar asked.

"Nope, I've already finished all of our territory."

"How long have you been up for, exactly?" Asked Firestar tentatively.

"I don't sleep silly, I've got far too much to do."

"How are you still alive?" At this point Firestar was ready to run from his own den.

"I take caffeine pills."

"Then you should definitely be dead."

"Oh, I also have a pact with the devil." Frostfur said, casually.

"I need to, um, find an exorcist." Said Firestar quickly.

"Excuse me?" Frostfur asked distractedly.

"I mean, I need to eat." Firestar was already halfway outside when she responded.

"Be sure not to leave remains lying around the camp." Frostfur said without turning to look at him.

"Don't worry, I won't forget." Firestar said in extreme fear.

Spottedleaf was sitting in her office, lounging, thinking that she needed to get out more, when all of a sudden, she heard something that sounded like a road runner. And not a real one, the one you see in cartoons. Firestar charged straight into her den and flopped over onto the couch.

"What are you doing here so early?" Spottedleaf asked.

"I had to get away from Frostfur. Not only is she a neat freak, but she made a pact with the devil so that she could survive not sleeping for days on end. I mean, I admit there are a few eccentrics in Thunderclan, but that is just a bit too much."

"Hmmm. A pact with the devil you say..." Spottedleaf trailed off.

"What, what?" Firestar asked in desperation.

"Well..."

"WHAT?" Firestar was nearly in tears.

"Actually, I'm just a marriage counsellor. I don't know anything about the occult. You should try asking someone who deals in spiritual affairs."

"Um, okay. Do you know anyone who deals in spiritual affairs?" Firestar asked.

"Well..."

"TELL ME!" Firestar actually was in tears now.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist. Onewhisker in Windclan is an exorcist. He hasn't had any business in his life because the authors haven't written anything about the occult, since these books are for children and they didn't want to mentally scar anyone. But, let's face it, if the author of this parody hasn't scarred anyone yet, he never will."

"Good point. Well, thanks. I'm off to Windclan." Firestar road-ran back down to the forest where he landed in Windclan.

"Hey, Onewhisker, are you an exorcist?" Firestar asked as he somehow landed safely.

"Yes..." Onewhisker replied, slowly.

"Could you tell me what to do about a Satanist who's made a deal with the devil in my clan?"

"Oh... My... God... A customer! An actual real-life customer! This is the best day of my life!" Onewhisker was so ecstatic that he fell of a cliff and died before he could tell Firestar anything about the devil of exorcism. Firestar gave up.

"Hey, Frostfur," Firestar asked, sliding up to her, "can you die from, say, a claw in the throat?"

"Um, yes, but-" She was cut off as Firestar ripped a hole in her throat. She died.

"Well, that's the end to that." Firestar said briskly. Then he went back to sleep. It was early morning after all.

Okay... Wow. That might have been the longest chapter I have ever written. Three and a half pages long. I am exhausted. It is 10:40 as I write this now. I need to sleep. I just got back from vacation. Later.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors. Then again, I really wouldn't want to deal with all the hate because of the New Prophesy.

Firestar was wondering around when he realized that he hadn't seen either of his daughters for ages. Which was odd, considering that he had made references to them throughout the last few days. So, he went to talk to Sandstorm.

"Sandstorm, we have two daughters, right?" Firestar asked innocently.

"Yes. And you should be paying them a lot more attention than you have." Sandstorm chided.

"It's not my fault! It's the author, who can only write if there is absolutely no plot to work around! And changing that will doubtlessly drive him insane, slowly but surely." Firestar spouted.

"Okay, sorry, sorry. Just go and talk to them for a chapter or two." Sandstorm asked.

"Sure. I can do that." Firestar set off in the direction of his daughters.

THREE HOURS LATER

Firestar staggered back into the camp, heading in a straight line towards his daughters.

"Um, Firestar, what took so long, exactly?" Squirrelpaw asked.

"Yeah. We've been waiting here all afternoon." Leafpaw added.

"Sorry, it's just that, when I finished talking, I set off in the direction you were in, but it turned out that you were right behind me, so I went all the way around the world, caught an alien shuttle in New Jersey and ended up here soon enough to finish this chapter." Firestar finished contentedly.

"Instead of just turning around?" Leafpaw asked.

"Hey, I make my decisions on the fly." Firestar retorted.

"Obviously." Squirrelpaw remarked. Firestar glared at her.

"Anyways, I realized that you haven't gotten any dialogue in this entire parody, and I though you deserved better. And the author needs to start moving forward with this story."

"Oh, okay. So I take it that we're just a plot device and this chapter was only written to set up the rest of the story, which means that not only did the author cheat the readers out of a chapter, but we probably won't be in it again anyways which completely defeats the purpose of putting us in this chapter. Which, inevitably means that the author needs to get a life and stop typing until midnight." Leafpaw stated.

"Wow, you're good at summations." Firestar said.

"Yes, well, I suppose that this chapter won't last much longer, will it?" Squirrelpaw asked.

"No, probably not." Firestar answered. "Especially considering that the author isn't even trying to achieve anything with this chapter."

Well, they're all right about one thing. I really am just using this chapter to set up the rest of the chapters, which means that this chapter won't have any re-read value.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I own nothing of any importance. Therefore, I cannot possibly own this chapter.

Really sorry for that last chapter. I was half asleep, and I didn't realize how short and sad it was until a few moments ago. To make it up to everybody, I'll get started on this one straight away. As a side note, I lost most of my work because I was stupid enough to delete what I _though _was a shortcut, but turned out to actually be the folder where I kept all my writing, so it'll take a while before I get back up and running again.

It was early morning when Graystripe called into Firestar's den that they were getting ready for a hunting patrol.

"Fine, whatever. Let me sleep." Firestar grumbled. Graystripe backed out of his den, then reentered.

"No, you don't understand, you're part of the patrol." Graystripe called to him.

"Oh. Fine. Wait a moment, can't I just say that I don't want to?" Firestar asked.

"No, that's not how it works. You see, the deputy works out how the patrols go, and you have absolutely no say over who comes and who stays. Actually, now that I think about it, that's an incredibly stupid rule. But you're coming anyways." Firestar slowly got up out of his den and stumbled over to Graystripe.

"Are you okay?" Graystripe asked.

"Yeah, I just need my coffee." Firestar groaned.

"Um, caffeine would probably kill you, Firestar." Graystripe warned.

"What are you talking about?" Firestar said groggily.

"You just said that you need some coffee," Graystripe explained. "and then I said that coffee would probably kill a cat." Firestar was staring at him.

"I never said that I drink coffee." Firestar mumbled. Graystripe didn't know what to say. Firestar heard Graystripe mutter,

"Being able to read his mind doesn't even freakin' help."

Firestar was always a late riser. He hated getting up early, so he decided that he would go on the patrol after noon, because it would be more convenient for him. Graystripe walked into his den again.

"Firestar, seriously, we need to leave now." Graystripe called.

"You do, but I don't." Firestar grumbled.

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do and that's final." Graystripe turned and left the den. Firestar didn't. He kept on sleeping. Graystripe gave up.

"I'm disappointed in you, Firestar. You ought to be fighting for your clan, whether you feel like it or not." Graystripe tried one more time. Firestar threw a pillow at him.

Leafpaw was finishing up a poultice when Sandstorm came along.

"Hey, Sandstorm," Leafpaw called. "are we actually going to be in the rest of this parody, or are we just going to fade out into the background again?" Sandstorm shook her head sadly.

"I just don't know whether the Author really has the strength to unfreeze the time line and actually start to follow the plot of the New Prophesy. We'll just have to wait and find out."

"I just hope he does something soon, because there are only about three people who read this story now, or... forty-one according to ? How on earth has this story attracted so much attention when all it is is someone randomly hitting computer keys and then doing a spell-check afterwards?"Leafpaw finished. Everyone in the clan was staring at her.

"What? It's a reasonable question!" Leafpaw defended.

"I agree. But we aren't supposed to know that we're in a parody of a much more successful series. If the Author finds out, we'll all be in trouble." Squirrelpaw argued.

"Actually," Firestar called from the High Rock. "The Author already knows. He found out when I yelled at Him because of the crap He was writing." Firestar squinted at the lines above his head.

"Why does the Author keep on capitalizing Author and all his pronouns? Does he think he's god or something?" Firestar asked.

"Well, he might as well be Satan if he finds out that you've broken the fourth wall." Sandstorm said worriedly. Suddenly, giant lightning bolt shot down from the blue, clear, cloudless sky, and nearly hit them all. The static caused all the cats fur to poof up.

Sorry if these don't seem funny. There's really nothing I can do. I can only milk one series of so much laughter before it runs dry. I'll try to continue this one for a while, but sooner or later I'll have to move on.


End file.
